stream-of-consciousness: gonna pretend like it's 2005 and i'm on livejournal

I am 1000% fed up with News and ThinlyVeiled Ads, so Stream-Of-Consciousness is what you're getting from me.

It's 2pm and feels like mid-morning for some reason. Stayed up too late watching Zombieland: Double Tap with our 12 year old. (She would say, finally!)

Listening to Panic! and anything else I love singing along to, like HIM, the Rasmus, and Jamiroquai is really helping.

Throat chakra opening? Vibration-raising? Bugging my family by singing too loudly? Whatever, yesplz, I'll take it.

About to go have a second cup of coffee. Aware that I'm a bit extra with my ruta maya whole bean, raw honey and organic half-n-half - and also aware of that Dave Grohl quote where he says guilty pleasures are stupid - if you like something, just fucking like it.

I've had my floral collection oils by my computer since they arrived, and I swipe rose or neroli or jasmine on my throat at least daily.

Floral oils are an emotional sweetener + softener and they've been key lately.

Ordered some art supplies from Jerry's and while my kids have gone wild with them, I have yet to open my new watercolors. They are perfect in the package right now.

Feeling more drawn to scrawly charcoal sketches on concrete instead, where my hands get scraped and dirty and I can make art as big as my driveway allows.

Quarantine is odd, because I'm already pretty used to staying home a lot, being super-selective about when and why I leave the house - but this is another level.

I have days where I'm like FUCK YEA gonna get shit done! I've worked on editing my book, rewrote my resume and online portfolio, organized a ton of things for our upcoming move (!), gardened, made art, made cookies...

I've also had catatonic days of staring at my phone, laying on the couch, forgetting to eat or move or feel anywhere near "okay".

How 'bout you? Just keepin' it real, friends.

This crisis is making me want to intensely re-evaluate how we spend our resources, including my /attention/.

I've ordered a LOT on Etsy in the past two months, because I'm enjoying supporting small crafter-peeps who probably don't get to collect small biz loans or unemployment, and def don't get millions in corporate bailouts.

Funny, but waaay back in 2008 or so, we started avoiding Walmart. It may have felt "crazy" because back then we were still reeling financially, and the narrative we were being fed went, "that's stupid, you're going to be even poorer if you don't shop there!"

Just suck it up. Get used to it. Shrink to fit. It's easier if you stay the course.

Um, no I don't think I will, thanks.

It wasn't about being pedantic - it was because I wanted to see if I could create a paradigm shift in my mindset + spending habits.

I wanted to re-evaluate our idea of what we felt entitled to buying, having, owning, and why.

And it worked. I even learned to make my own laundry detergent and shampoo and kitchen spice blends and salad dressings....as we worked out what felt Worth It to buy, and what didn't.

*I do buy laundry detergent these days - and the upside? I don't feel even a bit annoyed at the cost of it after learning to make my own.

I find myself in a similar headspace about the way I shop online, now, because of Covid.

Less big box stores, more support of individuals trying to sustain their livelihoods in ways that don't include entrapment with smoke-and-mirrors.

I think it's shitty that we have "essential" workers who are trapped into indentured servitude instead of getting to make a real choice about whether they continue working...instead of the Sword of Damocles hanging over their head via imminent eviction and starvation.

When I was little, I had this pervasive sense of worry that the adults in charge didn't seem to know what they were doing...and weren't really thinking about the long game.

But I was a kid, and so I reassured myself that it must be because I just wasn't able to see-or-comprehend the "big picture". That surely, the adults that ran governments and did chemistry and taught at universities had everything well in hand, and the silly worries of a child, were insignificant.

Nope. 6 year old me saw it all correctly...but I'd already learned to gaslight myself by then.

Don't gaslight yourself. 0/10, do not recommend. It makes you question everything, and this is a time for actions - however seemingly small and insignificant.

I am not interested in buying my way to a false sense of comfort - but I also recognize that compassion fatigue is a real thing, and so I'm grateful that I can still enjoy being a coffee snob, a writer, a sketch artist, an essential oil guru, a rockhound...grateful that I can buy things on the internet that aren't explicit needs, even in the midst of a crisis - and Help Fellow Small Biz Owners in the process!

This year feels so full of potentials and possibilities...and yet it also feels significantly (obviously) un-tethered.

It's like, OKAY everything you ever wanted is totally POSSIBLE but it's on the other side of everything you've ever feared and avoided.

If you're on my social media, I may do a live vid later, when my hair isn't channeling Hagrid, and my 10yo isn't Skateboarding In The Kitchen.

Sending y'all much love in the form of anchor points. Do what you love, love what you do.

Go listen to some Panic! by the way. I recommend starting with Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die, personally.

And please, don't be an asshole if you can possibly think of a way to not be. (I believe in you.)